50 Worst Dates
by Fjot
Summary: Awkward college student, Callie Torres, is set up on dates by her friends. Things always seem to go wrong though... Will they be able to find her a match? Or not... Rated M for Language and Adult Themes.


**AN: Um...hi? :/ Short and simple, I know. This is something that I've had on the brain. Check it out and lemme know if you like the idea. If so, I'll put a bit more into it.**

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Chapter 1 - Vinny

 _Saturday, March 16th_

"I uh. I like your um. Your glasses. That pair you've got on you is…Wow! They're big and they really make the color in your shirt pop. I like them. Glasses, I mean. I um…I adore them very much. They're nice. And round. Frames! Round frames!"

After his compliment, the young, gentleman suitor cleared his throat, reaching for his coffee. It tasted like buttocks, he concluded. But he swallowed anyway. He hated coffee. Almost as much as he hated the outdoors. But he really wanted to do it with this girl. With any girl, really. He wanted to do it. And this was the place that she had suggested that they meet at. So, he found himself sitting here like a duck. Drinking a beverage, that he didn't like. While sitting outside in the fresh, spring air. Which he vehemently detested. But he carried on with her anyhow.

All he knew was...

This day had _better_ have a fricking happy ending…

She wasn't much of a talker in class. Certainly funny looking. Awkward. And clumsy. His brown eyes blinked at her. With those HORRENDOUS glasses on her face and that atrocious retainer in her mouth, she was just a dang nerd wrapped up in a nutshell. She was just so gosh darn... _dweeby_ looking. He eyed her over the rim of his mug, his gaze drifting lower...

But holy cow! Were those boobies popping or what?!

He licked his braces and sniffled.

Allergies.

He _hated_ being outdoors...

"Oh," her dorky voice answered him in a monotonous tone. "I like your glasses, too, Victor."

"Vincent," he corrected.

"Right," she replied, not bothering to mask her indifference. "Vince…"

She sat there with a deadpan expression, touching a finger to her tragus and wishing to be anywhere but here. She sighed and nodded at something her date had said.

 ** _"Callie!"_** Her invisible earpiece rang out. **_"C'mon, now! Smile or fart or something! Damn!"_**

Callie shifted her bored gaze from Vagina and glared over his shoulder. There was a trio that sat a few tables behind him. The brown glower zeroed in on the dramatic, blonde ringleader. The woman who had concocted up this whole mess. The woman who was trying to save her own face apparently. Callie clicked her teeth.

This date sucked.

Point. Blank.

It couldn't possibly get any worse.

She narrowed her eyes at the blonde with her best "Resting Bitch Face" on full and prominent display.

Arizona sat with her legs crossed, wearing a fedora and shades. She was in suit and tie apparel, along with the two women seated with her. She peered over her newspaper and saw Callie looking right at her! Arizona fumbled to cover her face with the prop, panicking.

 ** _"What the hell are you doing?! Don't…don't look at us!"_** She ordered into the mic. **_"Look at him! At him!"_**

"Cut her some slack." Teddy adjusted her own fedora, snickering at the scene. "It's probably taking all of her strength just to blink in his direction."

"I know it's taxing for her," Addison agreed. She let out a sympathetic sigh as she worked her straw up and down in her smoothie. "That poor girl. She is wasting her time with him. There's not any chemistry there."

"Can you two just hush?" Arizona whisper-shouted. "Damn! I got this."

Arizona touched her temple, flinching as she heard Callie chuckle in that awkward and uncomfortable way of hers for the millionth time. The pair was still talking about fucking glasses. That boy wasn't fooling anybody with his innuendos. Their whole conversation was weird and unsettling to listen to. Arizona was growing very frustrated with the way this date was going and she huffed, giving her friends a look of warning that told them to keep their mouths shut.

 ** _"Callie,"_ **she spoke to her. **_"Ask him if he likes Nike. I have on a pair of socks that you can use to stuff that fucking mouth of his. I need to work up a sweat though. Lemme go for a quick run first and then I'll bring them to you."_**

Callie sounded a breathy laugh in their ears.

 _ **"See?"**_ Arizona dimpled as the laughter began to sober. _**"Loosen up. Just like that. C'mon, keep it going…"**_

"Stop encouraging her." Addison sipped her smoothie. "This date is _shit_. It is just shitty. Okay?"

Teddy laughed out loud this time, clapping a hand over her mouth and throwing her head back. Her hat dropped to the ground and she leaned over to the side to pick it up.

"Oooh," Addison purred as the blonde's head lowered. She palmed her crown. "Freaky."

Teddy brushed her off, sitting back up. Still chuckling, she said, "It is shitty, isn't it? I honestly feel like a bad friend right now. Letting her suffer like this..."

"Don't do that." Arizona scowled at the pair over the rim of her favorite cappuccino. "Just don't. C'mon. Stop throwing shade. You don't _know_ if it's gonna suck or not. It's too soon to tell."

"You are full of shit," Addison said, flipping her hair out of her face. "Just admit that you set her up with a guy that she does not have anything in common with. Except for the glasses, which we all know he enjoys looking at."

"Me too," Teddy admitted. "They're nice boobs."

Addison nodded. "We should vote to end this now. It's safe to say that this date is easily a zero. And –"

"No, no," Arizona cut in. _"_ _She_ said that she thought he was different," she defended, biting her pastry. "He is. He _is_ different from most of the guys that I know."

"Different as in creepy as hell." Teddy shuddered. "Ew. I get cooties every time he looks at me. That was just at a distance, though. I damn sure didn't have the luxury of looking at him up close. Jesus. My heart goes out to the girl. I feel for her."

"Mm," Addison hummed in agreement. "It has to be painful for her. Excruciatingly painful. Bad on the eyes."

Arizona glared at them. "You two sound really conceited."

"I mean, looks aren't everything but..." Addison scoffed. "He has to have _something._ Personality. Wit. Charisma. Humor..."

Teddy nodded in agreement as Addison counted the traits off on each finger.

"And if I am being completely honest," Addison continued. "Money wouldn't hurt either. Or he would have to be great at sex. But we all know that sex wouldn't carry the relationship very far. So, again. He'd have to be loaded."

"Addison!" Teddy was wide-eyed.

"What? It never hurt to have a couple of bucks on the side. I do have _some_ standards. He would have to give me _something_ to work with. And I would be more than happy to cling onto his busted ass all day long. Of course, I'd have to be single first..." Addison lowered her shades to wink at the slack jawed blonde. "But, that guy? He is gross. There is no help for him. Callie deserves better effort from you, Tink. Can't believe you did her so dirty."

"He ogles and drools," Teddy cosigned with a nod. "Whenever he _looks_ at me, it's _never_ at my face."

"Oh, like you have so much to look at in the first place," Arizona deadpanned.

"It's not for your approval anyway," Addison commented before giving the taller blonde a peck on the lips. "Get your own tits."

Arizona scoffed, reaching for her binoculars. "Whatever..."

Addison wrinkled her nose at the pair. "Of all people, Tink. You just _had_ to set her up with Wince."

"Mince," Teddy corrected her girlfriend.

"Try Dense." Arizona put her unnecessary binoculars down with a huff. "Ugh! You're right. Okay? This isn't going anywhere. This guy is just boring as fuck."

"You think?" The couple glowered at her.

"I'd rather go without Wi-Fi for the rest of my life than to listen to another word that comes out of his mouth." Arizona took off her hat and adjusted her ponytail. She winced as she watched her best friend slowly die of boredom. Of awkwardness.

And of creepiness.

What kind of friend was she?

"Fuck this." Arizona got up from her chair. "Date's over. I'm about to go save her."

But before she could put on her cape and spring to the rescue...

"ACHOOOOO!"

Her date let out a sudden, violent sneeze, sending his glasses and a spray of fresh mucous flying across the table towards Callie, attacking her with an onslaught of germs and undiagnosed illness. She had been mid-sip into her favorite cappuccino. Her mouth had been open… Callie immediately tensed up, spilling coffee down her wrist and forearm. But never mind that. Bodily fluids. Bodily fluids were on her. Those brown eyes went wide in horror. She couldn't even register the heat from the coffee due to the utter shock that had rained down on her, adding to the vile mixture of God-knows-what that had crash landed on her without warning…

Landed all over her face and it was a bit out of focus so she couldn't be completely sure, but...

Was that _phlegm_ that she was seeing on her lens?

" _Oh my God,"_ she whispered, blinking as his glasses slid to a stop by her other hand. Grazing her fingertips. _"OhmyGod. OhmyGod. OhmyGod."_

A few people were looking.

They were watching.

Staring.

What did she ever do to deserve this?

"Callie! I am so, so sorry! SO SORRY! Gosh, I am sorry! I can't believe that this happened!" Vince sniffed a long stream of putrid snot up his nose, rubbing at it with the back of his hand and licking his lips to clean them. He fumbled for a napkin, wiping hastily.

"Gosh," he muttered as he snorted and swallowed. "Here! Let me just –" He stumbled to his feet, approaching her face with the used napkin. "Let me help you!"

"D-Don't touch her!" The trio yelled out in unison, disgusted. They all but sprinted to the table.

Discretion be damned.

"What the hell is your problem, dude?!" Arizona yelled. "What?! You couldn't cover your fucking nose or something?!"

Still clad in a crooked fedora and lopsided shades, she blanched at the sight of her friend.

Callie was a mess.

Literally.

This was all her fault. This was supposed to be an "easy" date. That's what Arizona had thought. This was just supposed to be something small to get Callie's feet wet. Granted, nobody in the universe could have possibly foreseen the disrespect and disgust that was "Vile Vinny" in a nutshell. But the blonde still felt bad. He _was_ her pick for Callie after all.

She'd just have to make it up to her with the next guy on her list of picks. But first…

They needed to get her the hell away from this nasty, manner-less creep.

And definitely get her disinfected.

Stat.

" _Nice try, Tink,"_ Addison whispered to her, ushering Callie up. " _But I'm up next._

" _And my date is going to be…fire…"_


End file.
